How To Set Respectable Boundaries Using The BEEF Model

What is The BEEF Model?

How To Set Respectable Boundaries Using The Beef Model, is such an essential life skill in any leadership role, be it in the workplace, family, hobby group or sport.

BEEF in the context, of resolving issues, is an acronym for ‘Behaviour, Example, Effect and Future.’ It is a structured model, which can be used, to help you to plan and deliver an opportunity to resolve a difficulty between you and another person. You can even use it to resolve an issue, between two other people, with you as the mediator.

So long as it is used with honest accuracy, BEEF can be highly effective. This is due in the main, to it’s use of described ‘behaviour’ of the other person, and your ‘feelings’ which follow. This is a bit like describing the ‘style’ of their actions, rather than going for the throat of them as a person. Describing how you ‘feel’, as an ‘effect’ result of someone’s behavioural actions, cannot normally be denied by the other person. This is because it is something that has happened in your head, of which you are the greatest authority.

Future addition to How To Set Respectable Boundaries Using The Beef Model.

Note, we are steering clear of suggesting, that the other person, ‘makes you feel’. On the Build My Warrior channel, we reveal, how no one is able to make you feel something, as they cannot reach inside your head. They can of course, provoke a reaction in you, but equally you can arrest it. As this is s a complex, and much deeper subject, let’s ‘go with it for now,’ and move on. If you want to read more on that, please click here – [Coming Soon]

Pitfalls of Not Using BEEF

Avoiding the use the B and E of BEEF, can lead to describing the person’s tendencies by personality. That can be perceived as a criticism or even an attack. As we all know, that often leads to an inflamed session. When that happens, other than showing that you care about the relationship, you can gain little progress. From here the few options open to you would include, agreeing to discuss another time, when you both are calmer, or just simply, say ‘I don’t appreciate your behaviour, and then exit the session.

Preparation For Using The BEEF Model – How To Set Respectable Boundaries Using The Beef Model

While it maybe the case that the other person, has caused us some discomfort, or upset, it is important that we display respect for them. Even if we have a clear dislike for them, showing respect, will allow us to show moral and professional standing. Which, in itself, will make it harder for them to reject our BEEF session. Before you embark on a BEEF model session, with someone, you first need to ensure that you are able to satisfy these important points.

Why?

Be very sure of why you are doing this. is it due to re-occurring bad behaviour?

Does this session arise from a need to protect your mental health?

Is it out of respect for your own self integrity?

Will this session protect the other person from bigger repercussions, if they behave similarly towards a harsh person in the future?

Where?

Is there access to a safe place, where no one is likely to overhear the conversation? Will you be interrupted? Are phones and devices on silent? is the room booked?

When And Who?

This session needs to be done, as soon as is reasonably and practically possible. If it is affecting you now, decide if it is likely to build and start to hinder your mental health further. If it is likely to affect your ability to remain calm and of good judgement, then get some support and move faster.

It is quite possible that the other person is completely oblivious to the fact that you are affected by their behaviour. Either that, or the are mildly aware of a possible issue, but not believe that you will handle it in your stride. In which case, they will not be expecting a session. You can afford to take your time if your health allows it.

If they are fully aware of what they are doing to you, then you need to nail this sooner. They are likely monitoring your reasons and looking for what works to make it worse for you. This is truly cruel, in this scenario, but only must you nice quickly, but you MUST get support from others. Not just encouragement support, but presence. In work it’s line management, Human Resources, and perhaps a friend or personal solicitor or arbitrator.

If there are too many, it may feel like a court session, causing the other person to become defensive, and withdrawn.

Safety & Security

Do you need to have a chaperone, or someone to watch for your safety or security, or that of the other person. When I say safety I mean, are you concerned that one of you might become violent. When I say security, I mean, you may need someone present who can confirm later that no one was inappropriately spoken to, touched or violated. This is especially important if you are concerned about false repercussions after the BEEF session.

Overall

We are looking to create a warm, session of open minded, respectful discussion. That said, we might also need to go into it, with an assertive pre-disposition, ‘I am not prepared to accept this behaviour.’

Behaviour & Example – How To Set Respectable Boundaries Using The Beef Model

So in the BEEF model, we decide to use ‘B’ behaviour’, as it means we do not have to make criticism of someone’s personality. This makes it much easier to convey the conversation as helpful feedback, rather than deep criticism. Getting this stage correct is of imperative importance as it will make or break everything else that follow. Therefore, you really need to put preparation time, into defining precisely what it is about the other person’s behaviour that you have an issue with.

Preparation Technique

The most effective way to arrive at a precise single key phrase, or ‘punchline’, is to start big and refine it from there. In other words, take a moment to write on paper, or replay in your mind, the event that took place. Write it all down, and aim to have a full page. Re-read it and make sure that it is accurate. Look for areas, that may mean that mean that some of what happened was not entirely down to their behaviour. If this is present, then you will need to be mindful of it in the good natured interest of fairness.

Next, re-write it again, but condensed into just one paragraph. To do this you will need to take out all of the ‘blurb’. That is all of the information that has no bearing on the behaviour.

Once you have done that, refine it again down to one line. That one line, is the behaviour as a ‘strap line.’ It is the one key line of importance, that describes, in one shot, exactly what they did, that affected your feelings, so much that you have called a session today, to resolve it, in the interests of safeguarding the friendship.

Final Notes on Behaviour and Example

In case you are wondering, the strapline one sentence long, is the ‘Behaviour’ and the single paragraph is the ‘Example.’ In the session, the other person may ask you to give more detail. You can do this quickly and effectively as you have a whole page of notes on it.

This technique is similar to job interview preparation, where a resume, or curriculum vitae is made up of 2 pages full of lines. Each line is a refinement of a paragraph and each paragraph is a refinement of a page. In the interview, you can recall a line or a paragraph or a page instantly. More importantly you can do so with confidence, as you have done your homework!! Well done!!

Effect – How To Set Respectable Boundaries Using The Beef Model

The Wrong Way

Let’s look at what people generally do before they learn about the BEEF model. Typically, most people would describe the other person’s behaviour, and then call them out on it. For example, “You cancel our meetings at the last minute, week after week. You are trying to avoid me, and the work that we need to get through.” This is a potentially inflammatory statement, as it is an accusation. It will likely cause the other person to, fight, take flight or freeze. Meaning, that they will either make a counter accusation, leave the discussion, or just shutdown, possibly in disbelief.

The Right Way

The BEEF model teaches us to describe the effect that the other person’s behaviour has on us, such that we can work with them, to come to a resolution. Having brought them to a point where they are engaged with us, this second ‘E’, is an opportunity to show them the extent of what they have done to us. This is what you have been building up to. From here it will either go wrong, (see how not to do it), or it will go well, or they will shrug their shoulders and be passive. Either way, if you deliver ‘E’ for effect fairly, you can leave the session, knowing that you did your very best.

Furthermore, this is an opportunity to describe the effect, of the other person’s behaviour on you, with a 2 part ‘response’ strategy. We call it a response strategy, as we are responding to their behaviour.

First Response

Firstly you can describe to the other person, precisely what ’emotional’ effect their behaviour has on you. We do this to give them less to argue against, or challenge. No one can credibly attempt to deny what we say, are our feelings, short of saying that we are making it up. Assuming that we have gone into this session with an honest understanding of ‘how we feel’, there ought to be no reason to come across as anything less than genuine. Therefore, we can assume that if the other person accuses us of exaggerating or fabricating, we will know that they are defensive by attack.

So we describe our feelings, with a view to asking them to understand, and acknowledge the effect it has on us. This is a way to reach:

• at minimum a truce
• even better, an apology
• ideally, also a way forward which starts with an agreement to discuss what the other person will do instead, in the future

Second Response

Second Response

After, your first response, you can now begin to look at creating ‘resilience’ for your own self, such that in future you are not affected to the same extent. The idea is to put daylight, between their behaviour, and your emotional response. Your own emotions, are a response to their behaviour, and are based on your own life experiences as a learned behaviour. Through an area regarding neuro plasticity and schema, you can re-programme your self to react differently, and in doing so, you can change how you feel next time. It takes great discipline, and practice and training, but it can be achieved.

Changing the effect that the other person’s behaviour has on yourself, will take back control, for yourself. In doing so, you are in fact, creating a future state, ahead of the other person. That way, if they improve their behaviour, that’s great. But if they don’t, then you already have a strategy for yourself.

We will look at this second response, in a separate article, in the future.

How To Add ‘E’ For Empathy – How To Set Respectable Boundaries Using The Beef Model

Pioneering With ‘E’ For Empathy

Adding an additional ‘E’ for Empathy, is a feature that I have pioneered myself. I find that this really brings the other person on side, because, I am showing that I am able to see their behaviour ‘from their point of view’. Therefore, it is is a fiercely effective way, to drive collaboration on working together, and so It increases our chances of a mutually successful outcome. If I can’t understand why they behaved like they did, then I ask for an explanation. Of course tone is important and, a harsh tone is not a tone of empathy. While I might not be able to warm to someone who has treated me badly, I can at least remain professional.

Phrases like:

• I understand why you would do that….
• This behaviour is understandable from your position because….
• Under these circumstances, many people would do the same…
• You did not know how it affected me, but now we have the chance to discuss it….
• I don’t understand why you did that, can you help me with it….

Virtue Booster

Including ‘E’ for empathy, will give you a chance to show that you are being fair, and have great integrity. Of course you will have to stand your ground, and not waiver on the original issue that your are calling them out on. If you can pull off demonstrating great integrity, you will also create a sense of respect in the other person towards you.

Future – How To Set Respectable Boundaries Using The Beef Model

So as we have seen, using this kind of language, will diffuse a lot of the anxiety that may be building up in the other person. This is because you are changing the discussion from being one where you are accusing them of bad behaviour, and asking for better behaviour. You are in effect, ending the likelihood of them feeling like they are being told off. Instead, you are creating ’empathy’ for their position in the story, without diminishing your own hurt. In therapy terms, this is what mediation looks like,

Now that you have done almost all of the hard work, you can both reflect on what you have achieved together. You will have:

• described a behaviour, that you cannot accept
• have given one or more examples
• discussed and described the effect on you
• hopefully found a way to be empathetic, towards the other person

Now you need to ask for improved behaviour next time. If all of the previous sections have gone well, this will be a mutually satisfying section of the session. Often, it strengthens a relationship, and solidifies it beyond what it was before. In fact thinking positively, you will have both come through a very deep, meaningful discussion where you both worked together to help each other to open up and resolve an issue. The other person, may find themselves actively caring about you more so than they did before, and you may find yourself understanding the other person better too.

So at this stage, I recommend that you, summarise the whole session, check that they agree, and then ask for them to suggest improved behaviours for next time. All you have to do, is check through what they are offering and add any that you feel are missing.

I wish you well in teaching others ‘How To Set Respectable Boundaries Using The Beef Model’.

if you need support, please contact me at Contact Build My Warrior → BuildMyWarrior

Namaste
Simon

Further Reading

Bluegem Learning gives a brief explanation, and a great YouTube video – Use the B.E.E.F Model to Correct Employee Behaviour (bluegemlearning.com)

Lucidchart describes BEEF and some other useful, similar tools – Learn These Powerful Performance Feedback Models | Lucidchart Blog

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Simon

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